Walk and feel your way

Each step is flawless!

Five/six years ago I was undergoing a deep transformative process and my whole life was changing.

Apparently slow externally, yet internally everything was evolving at incredible speed.

Even though I had been considering myself a sympathising buddhist for quite some years back then, I was starting to discover new layers of my spiritual practices and my meditations were starting to present results that I couldn't comprehend.

I had no one around me that had ever experienced something similar and I was feeling quite scared and excited all at the same time.

I started to involve myself in more active practices and researches.

I was by any meaning walking towards my first encounter with my ego and my first dark night of the soul.

I fell into a big trap.

I was deeply, absolutely convinced that by working constantly and incessantly on myself, at the fastest speed possible, I would eventually BE HAPPY, FOREVER!

There was so much work to do but I was absolutely sure that I could be strong enough to endure for some time until I would be absolutely, completely healed and then I would be granted with an endless joy, easy and laid back life for the rest of my earthly days.

I even remember myself asking at some point "if I destroy completely the ego, is it dead forever? Will it be gone and I won't have to work so hard on myself anymore?"

It took some time for me to finally realise that i was simply fooling myself while getting to know my ego better.

I don't believe that any time is ever lost, no matter the situation, as we all have to go through our own journey, yet it took a while to learn the lessons behind those processes, with a lot of trial and error.. and pain.

We all believe that there is a line defining most of our lives, a line that will bring A and Z closer together, finally reaching THAT destination, the treasure we have been looking for since the dawn of our days.

On the way we forget, though, that it is not simply A and Z.

It is from A to Z.

There are a multitude of other destinations in between the destination.

Think about a pirate's map.

Is the treasure indicated with a Z?

It is indicated as a X, a here, a now.

A point in between points, with still more to go.

More ships to rock on stormy seas and sunbathing on heavenly beaches.

We have been sold for so long with the illusion of a destination, of a solution that will ease any worry.

From my own life experience, what I have come to integrate is that there is no eternal happiness as a form out of any other experience.

One day I will not stop being afraid; but by facing constantly my fears and showing up no matter what, I have learned to not be afraid of fear.

Fear still arises, I have just learned that it has no real power anymore and I can still go on living while experiencing fear.

A very similar process happened inside any other emotion, until one day I have noticed that happiness can still be experienced while being in tears and in pain.

The experience of an emotion can be overwhelming, yet what can anchor us is the knowing that it will eventually pass.

Let's open this one up:

we all strive for happiness, for example.

This belief that one day, magically, we will be able to be very, very happy.

Most of the times, we consider this as something that will happen "when";

"when i will get this thing solved, i will be happy",

"when i will have a better job, better money, better car, better house, i will be happy"

"when this situation will change, then i will be happy"

"when i will have friends, then i will be happy"

"when my health will be restored, i will be happy"

"when this person will stop annoying me, i will be happy"

and so on.

But what if i could tell you that you can actually be happy in all of those moments too?

There is the the emotion that you are experiencing in a stronger way, and there all the other ones.

They are still there, patiently waiting to be felt again.

The gross emotion is simply covering the awareness of the experience of all the others.

So, if for example someone is experiencing a lot of tension, the experience of it might be perceived as if bliss is far far away, when it is in fact still possible to be felt.

They are both the experience of life itself, passing, presenting something, and moving on to the next one.

...But we tend to hold on to things, events, emotions.

If for example, we hold on to anger, it will be the only thing we can perceive for a while. Love would still be there, in disguise.

Once we accept that everything is part of the experience of being alive, without any prejudice or judgement, we can allow things to come and go.

Sadness will come and go, happiness will come and go, frustration will come and go, relief will come and go, loss will come and go, rebirth will come and go...... and so on, for the rest of eternity.

Some years ago i was watching the sunset over a valley, in Portugal, with my friend Sylvia.

I had deep tears running down my cheeks for a while, and i was smiling.

At that time, it really started to click that even in my deepest sadness and sorrow, i was still awfully happy and content.

The two experiences were not obscuring each other; they were simply peacefully coexisting.

The freedom that overtime this provided me, is a gift that i want to pass down to you.

Whenever life hits hard, all of you still exists.

It is still possible to be kind, to be happy, to unplug from one experience and just be.

When it gets overwhelming, hug, caress and rock yourself as the beloved being you are.

Accept that is valid, it is overwhelming! and then breathe, say thanks to yourself for being so brave to experience this.

Remind yourself that it will eventually pass, and the next experience will get your attention.

Most importantly, remind yourself that every single step you are taking is the right one; every move towards your destination is a destination already, and you are being a fantastic explorer of life.

Love,

N